iStig

Driving in Calgary

In Funny, General on May 5, 2007 at 3:44:42 pm

Saw this on Katy’s Facebook… thought I’d share it because: a)it’s funny, and b) it’s true.

These rules will now be taught at driving institutions in
Calgary.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: “CAL-GREE”.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, Hamptons , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. 16th Ave, TransCanada, and “Hwy #1” are the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.

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